Snarknado 1 - Why the top 25 sucks

[sayo]

If they didn't need a good offense, they should have kept Norm.

 

[Southpaw]

Hunter Fieri is going to UNLV like his pops.

 

[Wooly]

Hunter Fieri is going to UNLV like his pops.

Tell me he announced it with a presser at a roadside diner

 

[DeadMan]

If anybody would like to request a couple of teams for me to knock out tomorrow, have at it. Leaving work for the day (@kella), but I can do it tomorrow when I get back to the office. It's a light day, and may even be able to get 3 done.

-YTC

 

[Dr. Shats Basoon]

Auburn plz

 

[Irishman]

I was going to request that Sark choose the next team, preferably one that sucks, but @whiteyc_77 has already covered those teams. How about USC?

 

[bruin]

 

[goblue96]

 

[Dr. Shats Basoon]

Move over @whiteyc_77 , the show must go on....

#6 Auburn (8-5 Last year), #23 In arrests (13)


Schedule:

• Tough opener in a neutral venue (Atlanta) against Louisville
• Playing LSU at Baton Rogue in game 3--possibility of starting the season 1-2
• Guaranteed loss to SJSU
• In the SEC West, they travel to Arkansas and Texas A&M while they get Alabama, Ole Miss and Miss St. at home
• Outside of conference, the usual SEC menu of cupcakes

Auburn hired new Corch Will Muschamp to patrol the sidelines, a certain sign of desperation

Auburn only has 10 Returning projected Starters with just 3 on offense. 2 of those are in the OL and only 1 returning skill position(WR3). Never good in my eyes if you don't have experience on the OL and even worse if there is no veteran skill players to bail them out.
On defense, they return 7 projected starters, 2 CBs, 2LBs, 1S and 1WR. Auburn's biggest challenge this year is going to be in the trenches, only one of their 3 returning lineman play on the interior (LT, RT,DE) .

Although Auburn isn't returning much experience, they have recruited very well with each of Malzahns classes ranked in the top 10. Players are gonna have to grow up quickly with two tough games early.

Last year.... They return no one on offense so this year should be tough to start and up and down throughout but Malzahn is a great coach and plenty of talent on the roster should translate to success.
Defensively, Auburn gave up 5.98 YPP and just under 400 yards per game. They gave up alot of big plays, and lost 4 of the last 5 games(only win was over Samford). They did truck LSU, A&M and Arkansas in the early part of the season
+7 In turnover margin last year, not to great but one would expect it to regress this year.

 

[Dr. Shats Basoon]

Today's team is....

# 25 Missouri (11-3, 7-1), #6 In Arrests (20)

The Schedule:
SEC Menu of OOC Chumps. They do play BYU November 14th in KC
SEC East: draw Florida, South Carolina and Tennessee at home, travel to Georgia and Vanderbilt
SEC West: Travel to Arkansas, Mississippi State at home

Last year, they lost to Indiana at home (lol) and got shit housed by Georgia and Alabama (in the SECCG). They beat Florida by 30, gaining less than 3 yards per point scored, for a total of 119 Yards. Amazing. Defeated Minnesnowda in the Citrus bowl.

This year, they return 7 starters on offense and 6 on defense. QB #1 returns, Maty Mauk. They return the entire OL, who all happen to be seniors (and a 6th OL who played alot last year). Probably going to be a fairly powerful offense, unless Mauk happens to get himself hurt again
On Defense, they return their ALL-America DE Shane RAy and All-SEC LB and Kentrell Brothers. as well as 2 CB's, a FS, and a NG. They ranked #23 in total defense last year and will probably have a decent defense this year.

Missouri will likely be 4-1 or 5-0 heading into the two toughest games of the year, Home v. Florida and away in Georgia. They will probably get shit housed by Georiga again. If they get passed Georgia with only 1 loss, you may be looking at a 3rd consecutive division champ.

Missouri's schedule is pretty navigable and they have enough experience coming back that they will sadly (because I hate Missouri) remain in the top 25 all-year, unless those pesky cops kill Pinkel's buzz. Let's all hope they lose to early and lose often.

 

[Brick]

lol at that pinkel picture

 

[Southpaw]

Shane Ray is in the NFL yo

 

[bruin]

JUMBO SIZE

 

[Lightningwar]

Love the car lol

I cant take a QB with a name of Maty Mauk seriously. Sounds like he should be in Varsity Blues instead of the SEC.

 

[BasinBictory]

Love the car lol

I cant take a QB with a name of Maty Mauk seriously. Sounds like he should be in Varsity Blues instead of the SEC.

Aren't they kind of the same thing?

 

[Soonerfan09]

Whitey, you now have less than 3 full days to finish this. I'll be waiting.

 

[Brick]

Kill whitey

 

[R2D2]

And we give @Reel shit. Smh.

 

[Dr. Shats Basoon]

I'll try to put up a few today....

Arkansas #20 7-6, (2-6 in SEC) (#19 in Arrests --14)

Last year:

Wins:
Nicholls State
@Texas Tech
Northern Illinois
UAB
LSU
Ole Miss
Texas

Losses
@Missouri
@Mississippi State
Alabama
Georgia
Texas A&M (neutral)
@ Auburn

Summary:
They beat the teams they should have and lost against those they should have. They only won 1 game away from home, against texas tech. They are getting alot of preseason hype due to their strong close to the year and also playing Alabama, Georgia, and A&M close (all home). This is problematic because the teams they beat weren't by and large, not good and did not play particularly well away from Fayetteville (or Little Rock). Ole Miss faded hard down the stretch and proceeded to get obliterated by noted good team, the Texas Christian Football Horned Frogs. Missouri is a paper tiger who feasted on an easy schedule and finally Texas. the win over LSU was a good one.

This Year: (This section blatantly stolen from Athlonsports.com)
Arkansas sports the FBS’ only tandem 1,000-yard rushers from last season in Jonathan Williams (1,190 yards) and Alex Collins (1,100), who each rushed for 12 touchdowns. The duo should be just as dynamic this fall running behind a line that returns four starters. The front wall has undergone a shake-up, with former guard Denver Kirkland now at left tackle and Dan Skipper swapping sides to right tackle. Left guard Sebastian Tretola, who gained national publicity for his touchdown pass on a fake field goal last year, returns in better physical condition next to center Mitch Smothers. Frank Ragnow is the top candidate to take over at right guard, and the Razorbacks should have quality depth. Arkansas shook off about a decade of sluggish play from its defense to rank 10th nationally in yards allowed per game, an improvement of 66 spots. Second-year coordinator Robb Smith re-upped with a handsome raise and is confident the Razorbacks can plug rising stars into the system and remain productive despite the loss of key players such as Trey Flowers, Darius Philon, Martrell Spaight and Alan Turner.

Fun fact: Arkansas returns neither their kicker or the punter.

The schedule:
Utep
Toledo
Texas Tech
Texas A&M
@ Tennessee
@ Alabama
Auburn
UT Martin
@ Ole Miss
@ LSU
Mississippi St.
Missouri

Probably will finish around 6-6/9-3. They are coached by this guy:

 

[silverwheels]

BERT

 

[Lightningwar]

BERT

lol when reading that eval and seeing the pic the first thing that popped into my head was Bert.

 

[Dr. Shats Basoon]

#1 Ohio State Buckeyes 14-1 (8-0) #26 in arrests (12)

Last year:

@ Navy
Virginia Tech
Kent State
Cincinnati
Maryland
Rutgers
@Penn State
Illinois
@ Michigan State
@ Minnesota
Indiana
Michigan
Big Ten CCG: Wisconsin
Semi-finals: Alabama
Championship: Oregon

Last year, Ohio State lost to a Virginia Tech team that finished the year 6-6, rain through a trainwreck of a schedule and got into the playoffs based on their brand equity. In game one, Josef Stalin Urban Meyer joined hands with the rest of the college football world to insure that Adolf Hitler Nick Saban did not capture yet another national championship. As much as I downplay it, the season was actually quite impressive with all the injuries Ohio State had. Regardless, now that Hitler is vanquished, Urban Meyer and the Ohio State Buckeyes are public enemy #1. They return the 3 headed monster at QB and Urbz has stock piled 5* since arriving on campus. The way the schedule lines up, they will probably be making a return trip to the playoffs to defend their throne.

This year:

@ Virginia Tech
Hawaii
Northern Illinois
Western Michigan
@ Indiana
Maryland
Penn State
@ Rutgers
Minnesota
@ Illinois
Michigan State
Indiana
Michigan

Quite an impressive schedule. the 2015 lineup boasts an amazing 3 teams that won more than 7 games last year, Michigan State and Minnesota and Rutgers. The Virginia Tech game this coming Monday should be interesting. Virginia Tech's roster was decimated by injuries and that contributed greatly to their 6-6 finish last year. Ohio State is also travelling to Blacksburg. Pray to blog that VT knocks off the buckeyes early, because Ohio State likely won't be challeneged again until Minnesota. The biggest challenge and (maybe the Coca Cola® game of the year for all of college football™) will be a showdown with Michigan State in Columbus. Navigate that game and only ole Johnny Harbaugh lurks in Ann Arbor to cap off the season. Someone please beat Ohio State. I need this again:

 

[whiteyc_77]

Wow, this thread's still going?

-YTC

 

[fsuprime]

its like the hype for PSU QB #1 in DRAFt, cant kill it.

 

[Brick]

its like the hype for PSU QB #1 in DRAFt, cant kill it.

oh yeah. trog QB analysis always wins. @PSUEagle

 

[PSUEagle]

oh yeah. trog QB analysis always wins. @PSUEagle

?

I'm going to openly laugh at whatever team takes him in the Top 5.

Hopefully it's the Indigenous Inhabitants of the Potomac Basin.

 

[R2D2]

Gonna be da Browns. As long as Dan Snyder is around, RG3 will never leave D.C.

 

[volniac]

Tennessee fucking sucks.

So does your sister.

 

[fsuprime]

Boise is terrible lol

 

[Heisman06]

Clemson at #12 is funny. I think that thing is going to explode without Morris. Poor Dabo.

Oh, we talking Clemson? Let's do it. It was only a matter of time before The Chad left for a head coaching job. Tony Elliott and Jeff Scott have both called plays in spring and regular season games over the past couple of seasons preparing for the inevitable Morris exit. They got off to a good start in their bowl game drubbing of OU. It's obviously a very small sample size that we have to keep an eye on.

And who does Clemson have besides Deshaun Watson, you ask. On offense, Mike Williams is one of the better wide receivers in the ACC and one of the more underrated players in the country. He's a long, rangy player in the mold of Martavais Bryant but with more consistent hands. Proven by this. And this. We also have sophomore Artavis Scott who did this to UNC before almost single-handily beating South Carolina. That's not even mentioning running back Wayne Gallman and 5-star true freshmen Deon Cain and Ray-Ray McCloud once they get their feet under them.

But all is not perfect. There's legitimate reasons for concern. Let's talk about them.

Defense: Lost a lot of key players (Vic Beasley, Grady Jarrett, Stephone Anthony, etc). I think Jarrett might be the hardest to replace. He was also the lowest-drafted one (5th round). Beasley was an absolute freak of a pass-rusher but Shaq Lawson might end up being better than him. Depth is an issue after Obo was arrested and kicked off the team. At LB, Ben Boulware is taking over for Anthony and I couldn't he happier. I liked Anthony, he was great for Clemson. Boulware is just going to be better. He's a tackling machine. Both Boulware and Goodson have starting experience at LB and I don't see a huge drop-off from Anthony/Steward. Carlos Watkins and DJ Reader have experience at DT and both are highly thought of but it's going to be hard to replace Grady in the middle of the defense. He was way undersized but he had that dog in him. He was always relentless.

Offensive line: Lost 4 starters after Battle's late entrance into the supplemental draft. Eric Mac Lain (yes that's how he spells his name) and Joe Gore both have starting experience, although in the case of Gore, it wasn't very impressive. True freshman Mitch Hyatt, a 5-star prospect, looks to take over the LT spot after Battle's departure. Thankfully, Clemson opens with a couple cupcakes this season as opposed to UGA like the last two.

Schedule: I mentioned those early-season cupcakes. After those, Clemson travels to Louisville for a tough Thursday night road game then hosts Notre Dame and Georgia Tech in consecutive weeks. Then you have FSU and the season-ender against SC where anything can happens. Obviously, this isn't an NFL schedule but there's reason for concerns. Potential trap games: @ Miami, @ NC State.

QB depth: Two true freshmen and a walk-on are behind Deshaun Watson. Gulp.

Reasons for optimism

Deshaun Watson: Simply put, he's one of the better players in football when healthy. Has a plethora of weapons around him. Needs offensive line to keep him upright.

Skill position players: It's always a strength of Clemson and this year shall be no different. Williams, Scott and the true freshmen have a chance to leave their mark like the Watkins/Nuk/Martarvais trio did a couple seasons ago.

Brent Venables: He's the best. Maybe not literally but most definitely figuratively (whatever that means in my stoned state of mind). What he has done for the Clemson defense is a miracle. Yeah, he had a lot of good players last season but these were the same young players that were routinely giving up 40+ under Kevin Steele. I think our defense will be fine. They might not be #1 in the nation good like this year but it's not unrealistic to expect another top 10-15 finish. The pieces and coaching is there. All about getting experience and gelling as a unit.

Mackensie Alexander: He blankets receivers and shuts down his side of the field. He will be the best CB to come out of Clemson, IMO.

Summary:

I know it's going to be an uphill battle for Clemson to finish with 10 wins for the 5th consecutive year but it's not unreachable. If Deshaun stays healthy and the defense gels early, it could be a special season. If they don't, it could be an 8-4 type season.

Couldn't agree more, chief! That's how I feel about Klimpson too! Hide your sheep, it's time for the #12 (lolwut) Klimpson Tigers!

• 2 cot dang starters returning on defense? It's the only thing you hillbillies did well last year!
• Football Jesus has to stay healthy this year, right? Not like he's been a china doll or anything...
• Speaking of which, you tell me how this sounds: Team extremely dependent on injury prone QB is only returning 1 starter on the OL. And this is the "positive" side of the ball I'm supposed to be looking at?!?
• This is a squad that really puts the "special" in special teams. Lost both specialists, and were completely unspectacular in the return game.
• Speaking of kicking, here is a pre-game shot of former kicker Ammon Lakip:
  
• The schedule is much tougher than you realize. @Louisville, Notre Dame, Georgia Tech, @Miami, @NC State, FSU, and @SCarolina are all loseable games for a team with this many question marks.
• Watson gets hurt in week 3 against Louisville, and Klimpson struggles to make a bowl game. 7-5 is what these biased eyes are seeing.
• Because we all need more of this in our lives:
  

-YTC

These are always fun to go back and read. 7-5, @whiteyc_77? Haha. I had them at 8 wins as a worst case scenario.

 

[whiteyc_77]

So, it appears that here are the results from my "analysis":

I piss excellence

• TCU - @Bama
• Boise State
• Georgia
• Oregon

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good

• Tennessee - Doesn't look like 6 losses are going to happen, but definitely a win for how disappointing they've been.
• Arizona State - 7-5 for a Pac-12 South "contender" as a best case scenario?
• Wisconsin - Still have 2 loseable games to hit that magic 4 loss mark predicted

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul

• Klimpson - Watson never got hurt. End of discussion.
• Notre Dame - Schedule ended being significantly easier than I thought it would be. Who are the good wins on this slate?

-YTC